Corn Bread, pt 2

Big Ten gymnastics is on TV.  WTF?  People watch this stuff?  Second day of cornbread.  We got the soaker, we got [some of] the ingredients, we got healthcare.

And importantly, we got bacon aka fake-on:

PS: This has TBHQ in it.  WTF.  Thought it was supposed to be healthy.  LIARS.

So, first, this is cooked.  Peter says in an oven, but because fake-on has like no fat in it, I cooked it on the stove:

Tastee tastee.  G-l-a-m. o-r. o-u-s.

While this cooked, I mixed up [all purpose] flour + baking powder [dude, when you come home, and your dad's a chef and your sister's a cookie and brownie baking wizard, you would expect all ingredients to be ready and available.  First fail in this assumption.  We didn't have baking powder.  GEEZ.  My chef-dad said baking powder and baking soda are like the same thing except one starts working immediately and the other works over time.  So, I just added baking soda in place of baking powder.  We'll see if this = fail. + baking soda [the recipe did call for some] + salt + sugar + brown sugar [another fail -- I used granulated and molasses] =

Sah-weet.

Oh, and the bacon's done.  All burnt.  I shoulda-coulda-woulda used bacon bits.  But, I bought this for a ridic five dollars.

I'll crumble this up, I promise.  I don't remember if I have photo documentation of this.  Cooking-at-not-your-normal-place-while-two-people-look-at-you is very disorienting.  I felt like I had to move super fast and I couldn't find anything.

Case-in-point.  I have no idea what this picture is supposed to show you.  Maybe this is all the dry ingredients and that last picture was just the flour.  Why I took a picture of just the flour -- I don't know.

Now for the wet stuff.  Eggs + melted butter + honey =

And the star of our show!  The cornmeal + buttermilk soak!  Dude, I'm feeling a little lightheaded.  I think I need to eat something other than a mango.  Plus my dad's watching food on TV, per you-zh.  Now you see why every time I'm back here I gain eighty pounds.

Plus, you know, my being bored = baking and eating.  So, this egg stuff is added to the cornmeal and we get this!

Again, a dumb picture.  Ooh!  My pancakes are done!  Ooh!  The bread's done!  BRB.  N/M.  The bread is done on the outside, but glugly on the inside.  [See, people who I just explained glugly to -- see how it works here!]  I turned the temp down, and my dad just did something else.  IDK what.  Whateva. I'm eating pancakes with peanut butter and honey.  Hope this doesn't turn into a bread fail.

Back to the natural progression of things.  You know, the progress narrative, NBD.

Egg stuff + flour.  Stir stir stir.  Yeah yeah yeah.

Cornz!  Cornz!  In the batterz.  Stir stir stir.

Look, it's in the batter.  I def took so many dumb pictures.  Sorry about that.

Now in the pan!  Yaay!  Except I can't be that excited b/c this may be a bread fail.  And I'm cold.  I need tea.  We don't have any big mugs here.  I'm practically dying.

But we do have a lot of Oreos and chocolate bars, so that's good.  Oh, and this previous picture is with bacon crumbles.

And in its really big home.  After my baby oven, all other ovens look like monsters to me.  So, yeah.  The bread should be done by now, but it's not.  After ten minutes, it's still glugly, so I'm putting it in for another ten.  It's probably going to be all burnt.  FML.  On the plus side, it's like Forks, Washington, outside.  So, I'm planning to meet a vampire today.  I'm probably too tan for him though.  That sucks.

Dudes, so probably after about an hour instead of thirty minutes, I think it's done:

A little burnt.  I hope not too much.  Looks like a pizza.  Pizza head, pizza head.  I'm not a pizza head, I'm a human being!

Sits for fifteen, then we can see if it's burnt.

It's a little burnt.  Not too bad.  It's okay.  Sweet.  A little too chewy.  I'd give it a 3/5.  Let me know if you still want it, Vicky and Natty.  <3

Corn Bread!

It's spring break.  I'm baking.  Check it.  Buttermilk + cornmeal (polenta style) =

Check ya on the morrow for the real deal <3

Cinnamon Raisin Walnut Bread: The Gang's All Here!

And by the gang, I mean all of the gross things.  I don't like cooked raisins.  I don't really like walnuts (unless with noonandpaneer).  I like cinnamon, so we can be friends in this adventure with all the other gross things.  You might ask: "Taneem, why are you doing this then?  WTF?  Why not just skip the recipe?"  I have one answer: When I took karate for a wasted eight billion years of my life, there was a sign in the little room aka dojo.  Winners never quit, and quitters never win.  I think.  So, there.  PS: I quit karate.  Sports are for losers.

So, I'm making this bread because I am a winner!  And because people aka Brendan will eat it if I hate it.  So whatever, I like baking.  Hi.

Anyway, flour + sugar + salt + yeast + cinnamon =

This + egg + shortening + milk + water =

Stir, stir, stir!  I need to make a bread song.  It will have a lot of puns.  Like, I knead to make a bread song.  Ha!

Who's the boy you like the most?  Is he teasing you with underage?

I'm teasing you with dough.  All stirred up.  Like James Bond.  Or something.

This is what I do when it won't stir all the way in the bowl.  It's hard to incorporate everything.  Will I talk about this every week?  I guess so.  So, I incorporated it by hand.  And got a pretty dough-of-color.  Take that, racist bakers.

Why can't I keep it like this?  Just bake cinnamon bread?  Maybe I should have.  But, too late.

ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  DOUGH, WALNUTS, RAISINS, ALL FIGHTING FOR THE VICTORY, WHO WILL WIN?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You forget, in Taneem's feminist and pacifist breadbaking world, we are all friends.  Now, they realize.  And are friends.

Sit for a couple hours.  Become better friends.  Nothing like being stuck in a big red bowl together for two hours.  I might take a nap.  I always say that.

Two hours later (I did take a little nap, but I might take another one), and!:

So, in order to assist in making this bread as non-gross as possible, I'm following a little comment Peter has on the side of the recipe, involving:

Cinnamon and sugar!!  Again!  Yaay!  I don't understand why Peter puts his recipes in alphabetical order.  I mean, why not all the sweet breads, and all the sandwich ones or whatever.  Why like this?  I mean, it's kind of nice, b/c there's variety.  Except when two sweet breads land next to each other.  Or when one of the breads in cinnamon buns and you don't have any bread to eat for the week, and then the next bread is this shiz, and it's not like you can make a sandwich with this.

So, anyway, in this addendum to the recipe, you swirl.  Like last week.  Deja vu, except it turned into a nightmare b/c it involves cooked raisins.

Have to admit, with the stuff in the dough, it does look pretty.  But, then, when you're rolling the stuff up, bits and pieces of walnut and raisin fall out.

Packed up and ready to go!  Like a well-stuffed piece of luggage.

In this probably too big pan.  I realized, also, that when I let the dough rise, it's nice outside = no heat, but it's cold in here still = baby dough.  So, I put it in the oven, again, to let it rise so it doubles.  Maybe it'll crest the pan.  Whateva.  The quarter's over (save grading), and this is my reward.  And it's a gross reward.  Nap time, again!

Nap fail.  I hate nap fail.  Back to what you are all really here for.  The bread.  After about ninety minutes, it's keepin' pace.

What does keepin' pace mean?  I don't really know.  But it's a real phrase, no?  I thought it sounded apropos.  The walnuts look even grosser in this picture.  So do the raisins, like little bugs.  Don't worry, I have to eat this, not you.

For some reason, Peter says you should put the loaf/ves (because there's supposed to be two -- as always, I cut the recipe in half) on a sheet pan in the oven.  Why?  You got me.  It's the blind leading the blind here, except insert another saying that isn't so problematic.

So, here it is, on a sheet pan in the oven:

A different angle on the oven.  I know, it's cool.  So, this is in the hot seat for twenty minutes, then twenty to thirty more.

After forty minutes!

This actually looks relatively tasty.  I'm excited to see what it looks like with the "swirl" inside, at any rate.  I should have used chocolate chips instead of raisins.  Chocolate chip walnut bread I could handle. Rests here for one to two hours.

Aaaaaaand:

Ah!  What do I think?

This is surprisingly good.  I mean, really good.  For a bread with walnuts and raisins.  *Gasp* -- I think I want another piece!!!!!!!  4.5/5 stars! <3

Cinnamon Buns!

And by cinnamon buns, I mean cinnamon buns, not cinnamon buns, if you know what I mean.  No?  Well, you're missing out.  Today, in the hopes of being done with this project by 3pm, I started baking early!  Before my teaching class at 10:30!  Luckily, the buns agreed with me (haha), b/c they require a two hour rise.  It's like squats, basically.

But, before that happens, shortening + sugar + salt =

PS: I just got new boots!  Yay UPS!  Too bad I'm not wearing my apron.  I could look super cool answering the door.

Anyway, this + lemon extract (I used lemon juice) + egg =

Looks gross, no.  But, it's cinnamon buns.  Supposedly better than Cinnabon.  I know you're jealous.  If you're in C-bus, come on over.

There are a lot of mixy-mixins in this recipe.  This + flour + yeast + milk =

Hot.  This was easy to stir!  Usually I have trouble getting all the flour incorporated, but in a few seconds, this was ready!  Ready to knead.

All dough looks the same, no matter what's in it.  Maybe because it's all freakin' like white.  Dude, flour's bleached.  Like normal flour.  WTF?!  Racists.

Speaking of racists, look who joined me for pre-breakfast baking!

I'm just kidding, Brendan isn't a racist.  It's an inside joke, people.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, GET OUT OF MY LIFE.  I'm just kidding.  I like you.

Look!  He's eating last week ciabatta (with Nick Jonas looking on approvingly)!

Second time someone's imitating my bread-eating face on my blog.  Second time someone fails.  I should hold a contest?  Any takers?  Try to be like me, recreate my flow, imitate my flow, then relate my flow.  But while they try and take my flow, I make my dough.  So, let's get back to making that dough.  And by dough, I mean, dough, if you know what I mean.  PS: Those lines from My Drink 'N My Two Step will be the name of this contest.

Smooth.  All ready to sit for two hours while I go make some baby feminists.

PS: Look, my flour isn't racist.

In fact, as stated, it's never bleached.  That that, haters.

Two hours later, this dough has def done some crunches.  8-Minute Buns, you know.

Double the size? -- I won't know until one of you buys me this as a present.  Thanks in advance!  Love ya!

Anyway, back to the dough$.  Rolled out and CINNAMON AND SUGAR!  Yep.  This is what I'm talking about.

Dudes.  Are you excited now?!  I am!!

Let me see that tootsie roll.

Thanks!  Little lady, you got me just (screwed up) off of your melody.  Little lady, come on and don't (chop me up).  Please don't make a fool of me.  Actually, chop yourself up.  But, don't make a fool of me, esp because other people than me have to eat these cinnamon buns.  I already ate like twenty burnt cookies this week in the midst of making cookies for my feminist babies.

Don't worry, they're gonna get bigger (although these are mini).  75-Minute Buns.

PS: Mid-proof, I realized Peter says they should be 1/2 inches apart, not two inches apart.  So I moved them closer together.  Don't tell anyone.  PPS: Dude, what if Peter read my blog like Julie and Julia and he hated it like Julie and Julia?!  I would die.  I now know how you feel, Julie.  I just need a boyfriend so our relationship can fall apart and then I can blog about it.  Maybe I should hold a contest for a boyfriend-then-ex-boyfriend, too.  Contest title: Never let girl cook in your kitchen.  All up in your fridge, and next will the stove.  Never let girl cook in your kitchen.  When pot gets hot everything drops.  Eyes on your man, hands on your pot.  If she runs in to help, tell her stay in your spot.  Never let girl cook in your kitchen.

75-Minute Buns later:

Friends!  It looks like a pretty painting or something.  You know, if it wasn't on an oily, burnt pan.

These kids go into the oven for twenty minutes.  PS: While baking cookies for my kids, I realized that our oven is like way hot.  And no, I don't mean way hot like this:

But, like this:

So, when I was making the cookies, I was like, hmm, maybe I should turn the oven down twenty five degrees.  I did, and it worked.  So, I'm going to try while baking these, too.

In the 325-degree oven!

Meanwhile, I made the glaze for this.  Ahhhhhhhhhhh.  Powdered sugar + lemon extract (for me, lemon juice) + milk =

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Okay, I will become articulate again.  These sit for ten minutes, then get bathed in glaze!!!!!!!!  PS: I think this is a better font for glaze than this, which is like hoity toity, not melty and delicious.

Ten minutes later:

This is ridiculous.  RIDICULOUS.  What is going on, world?!  So, once the glaze is on, sits for twenty minutes.  OMG.

Originally, I wasn't going to try one, because I have a sugar headache from burnt cookies, but I mean, really?!

So, I ate a little one.

Icing = way too lemony.  I shouldn't have even added that stuff.  Not enough cinnamon/sugar.  Still good though.  Probs a 3.5/5.  Oh well.  I think the bigger rolls with more swirly-bits will be better, too.  Better than Cinnabon?  No.  Still good?  Yes <3