New York Deli Rye

Same day.  Different story.  New Nicholas Hoult/Tom Ford ad.

Yeah.  New York deli rye.  You know.  The bread making up Peter's fave sandwiches.  Both of which sound disgusting: "roast beef, chicken fat [EW.], and onion; and corned beef, coleslaw, and Russian dressing."  Dear Peter: We all know you grew up in NY.  Stop grossly shoving it in our vegetarian faces.

But, I love rye bread.  So, yeah.  I'm excited.

Barm + rye flour (the recipe called for "white rye flour."  My rye flour is just "rye flour."  Dunno what the difference is, but I'm not a racist.) + water.

Ah!  + sweated onions.  Sweated onions.

All stirred up, this sits for three to four hours, after which it will (HOPEFULLY, barring any of the possible problems of the basic sourdough variety) bubble and foam.

So, it wasn't foaming.  Per Natty's suggestion, I added some yeast.  I'm also going to throw away my old barm and make more (sigh), so look forward to that LONG blog entry.

Check those little bubbles in that blurry picture.  It's bubbly alright.  Probs thanks to the yeast.

So, here's when the problems come in.  So, I made the starter Christmas Eve.  Was supposed to make the bread on Christmas.  That didn't happen.  So, the 26th, I took it out and went to run errands that took way longer than an hour.  By the time I got home, I didn't feel like baking.  So, I put it in the fridge.  So, now it's the 27th.  I took it out for an hour again and am actually baking.  So, many errors could have occurred during this process.  We'll see.

Anyway.  This is bread flour + rye flour + brown sugar + salt + yeast + caraway seeds (yay!).

+ starter + shortening + milk =

+ water + stirring =

+ six minutes of kneading =

This sits for an hour and a half, during which I realize the time I have until school begins again is fading fast and I have a SHIT ton left to do.  This is the problem with slacking in fall quarter, frenemies.

Perfectly doubled!  Ow ow ow!

This was shaped into a sandwich loaf, but apparently I didn't take any pics of that.  The sandwich loaf sits for 90 mins.  I CANNOT DO CROSSWORD PUZZLES DURING THIS TIME.  I MUST CUT DOWN MY TO-DO LIST.  BYE.

After 90 minutes, this loaf is looking pretty swell (GET IT, it's a pun, GET IT?!):

Bakes from anywhere between 35 minutes to an hour.  I am cutting my to-do list down, muthabakas.

Yay!

So.  This was delish.  Delic?  5/muthafuckin5.  Get it!

<3

Basic Sourdough Bread

I'm writing this in sunny Columbus.  Which may not be sunny.  I can't tell.  It's probably cloudy.  And it's dark outside.  And it's Christmas Eve.  Shouldn't I be reading some sort of Christmas tale or something?  IDK.  I love being a heathen.  Yet, I feel strangely left out on Christmas.  But then I remind myself, I am constantly marginalized in this society.  Christmas is just a concrete example.

ANYWAY.  Basic sourdough bread.  Which I made yesterday.  But, I'm writing this today.  W/e.

SO.  The Sourdough Breads.  This marks the beginning of a series of breads in the book that begin with a sourdough starter.  This is your basic sourdough bread.  So, we start with everyone's fave, barm.  GAH.  This is going to be the most annoying baking experience EVER.  Barm for like eight breads.  Barm is a live starter that, much like your friend's annoying child that interrupts your conversation at the local cafe, must be fed constantly.  If you don't want to feed it, you can freeze it.  But then it takes two days to build back up.  Basically, any bread using barm is ridiculously time consuming.  It also takes a week to make barm in the first place.  I've had this barm for about a year, I think.  IDK.  I used it a while back in a different recipe.  So yeah, up there, that's the barm we're using for this recipe.

Barm + flour + water = our "firm starter."  Okay, there's a surprise at the end of this blog.  I'm going to ruin it for you here.  This bread is a major fail.  Possible problem #1: My barm is too old.  Possible problem #2: My "firm starter" is way glugly.  Not firm at all.  Too much water.

Our starter after four hours.  Is this doubled?  Hmm, IDK.  I mean, it does look a lot different than I thought it looked while baking.  Basically, this blog entry is a mystery, in which I -- and you, dear reader -- try to figure out what the problem is.  Because, after all!  I have to bake eight more breads with this same starter!  If the starter's the problem, then I have to make a new one!  Which will take me a week!  So, expect no pictures of hot men or fun radio singles to deter you from figuring out the problem for me, dear reader!  This is no Choose Your Own Adventure.  This is Taneem's Adventure.  Help me.

Okay, I lied.

This is super late posting this campaign, but holy eff.  Tom Ford, make me stop loving you.  Nicholas Hoult, stop being so hot.  Birds.

Flour.  Salt.

Monster food.

Okay, well just flour and salt and starter and water.  In a mixer.  Reason why I love being home.  Making bread = no dirty hands.  Which is super nice.  But, disconnects you from the bread.  Srsly.  Eating with your hands, making food with your hands = awe.some.

Dough all kneaded (BY MACHINE).  And ready to sit.  For three to four hours.  At this point, we were eating lunch.  I love Chinese fake meat.  DE-effing-licious.

Oh wait.  I forgot.  Benz and Zain were waiting for me to finish baking so we could go get lunch.  This is such a flattering picture.  This is what we do all day at home.  Benz sits.  Zainu holds long underwear. I bake.

So, I was like, um, bread, can you rise a little faster?  I put it in the oven under warm setting (possible problem #3?).  This is it after 3 hours.  Or 4.  I don't remember.

Boule.  This is when we really went to lunch.  The boules sit for two to three hours.  See above for what I did and my opinion on Chinese fake meat food.

Batty and "risen" boules.  IDK if you can actually see the dough after it "rose."  But, basically, it didn't rise.  They are like pancakes.  I am crying.

So, I baked this ish.

That's what happened.  I didn't take a crumb shot for your safety.  This is the worst bread thus far.  Things I have learned thus far in blogging/baking this book: I cannot bake bread.  I really have been disappointed by my efforts most times.  Sigh.

Ratings:

Me: 0.5/5 (the crust was good)

Batty: 2/5 (she didn't have the potato rosemary, obvs)

I don't think anyone else rated it.

On the plus side, when I told my dad to throw the loaf away before I left, he said no, and he'd slice it open and toast it long ways.  So, we'll see if he actually does it.  (My dad's a chef.  His opinion obvs means more than yours.)

SO SOLVE THE MYSTERY.  I AM MAKING THE NEXT BREAD RIGHT NOW.

<3

Pugliese

Which really should be this:

Which looks disgusting.

Pugliese is another vague Italian bread that Peter insists on finding distinction in.  Admittedly, this bread is made with durum flour, which I couldn't find.  So, you can make it with semolina flour, which I also couldn't find.  So, you can make it with normal bread flour.  So, that's what I did.  So, basically this bread is like every other bread, I guess.  Except I get to use a proofing bowl!  I think this is my first time doing this.

I slacked a bit with pics at the beginning of this process, so yeah:

This is flour + salt + yeast + biga + water.

And here was the fun part:

You stir/ knead this dough by hand, dipping your hand in cold water as you do so.  The dough was so glugly by this point.  It was nice to knead.  Especially while listening to Willow.  I whipped my hair back and forth.

So, basically this is exactly like ciabatta.  Peter spends the bulk of the intro to this bread saying how it's totally not and everyone thinks it is, but per usual, they are all wrong.  Peter is GOD.

Slipper!

Slipper pulled, stretched, and folded!:

And, because I have no life, obviously, thanks for pointing that out, Pete, stretched, pulled, folded again:

So, this sits for two hours.  I wanted to do my laundry.  But, that didn't happen.  I was still productive though!  Be proud of me, young readers.  Proud of your mother baker.  Haha.  Best euphemism ever?  Yes.

I'm trying to hit the hotel with two girls that's wide awake.  And that DC shit I rep all day.  ALL MOTHERBAKING DAY.

Here it is, sitting for two hours:

It looks limp.

Never mind!  Okay, actually, it still looks limp.  But it is obviously now turned on.

And look!  It's ready to proof it its little proofing bowl!  It's like a nice home.  Made of an unused pillowcase that went with a duvet cover I recently threw away.

I have such a dirty mind.

This sits for 60-90 minutes (warm setting on the oven = half an hour, bitches!  Gotta love technology.).

Big again!  And look, this is what it really looks like!

Baking bread is basically exactly like a makeover show and as such, I feel that I should critique its process.  Perhaps next quarter I will have my students analyze my blog for me.

Score!

Bakes for twenty to thirty-five minutes.  I love having nothing to do.

And!

It was only in for fifteen.  But, it looks delicious.  Ah!  I have to wait forty minutes to cut into this, but I'm leaving the house, so it'll probably be longer.  Ah!  I might end up seeing y'all tomorrow.  We shall see.

Okay, I lied.  I decided I didn't feel like postponing this, so I cut into it ahead of schedule!!

Ah!  Ah!  This was crazy good.  CRAZY GOOD.  I also now understand the waiting part.  Peter's right.  You do lose the flavor b/c the heat burns your taste buds.

SO YEAH.  5/5, much?!  <3

Potato Rosemary Bread

Hello friends!  It's Thanksgiving, the time of love, family, and bread.  BREAD.  Batty.

So, I'm baking potato rosemary bread.  Which is good.  Because it's super Thanksgivingy.  And the recipe calls for leftover mashed potatoes, and hey!  We actually have leftover mashed potatoes.

Sweet.

So!  Yesterday, I made some biga.  Here it is, all cut up.



And!  Flour (I had to use all-purpose, because it's like, dude -- I'm not going to buy bread flour that I can't take back with me b/c I'm flying on a plane and can't check things because it costs fifty dollars and they also body scan you and feel you up with a pat down and that happens, yeah.) + salt + yeast + pepper =

Hey look!  Benz took a picture of me!  What up, kids!?  Oh, and b/c I'm at my parents', I used a MIXER.  It's practically like you're not making bread.  Because the mixer does all the work.  Yeah.  There are a lot of people here right now.  I'm typing things.  Sports are being discussed.  Or something.

So!  + biga + mashed potatoes (!) + rosemary (fresh from the muthafuckin' yard -- check it:

) + olive oil + water =

Pretty!  Whoa.  Everyone is tie (tye?) dying t-shirts.  I am being anti-social for you, friends.  I hope you appreciate it.  Even though most of my readers = my sisters.  Oops.  Love ya!

And!  All kneaded.  And all cool.  This sits for two hours while I tie-dye a shirt and wish we had music playing.  I suppose I can make that as a suggestion.  But, my family's pretty loud.  We don't need that added nothing.  Meanwhile, here's a song that's been stuck in my head for forever.  Enjoy it as background music while you finish reading.



OMG.  I just realized I added double the amount of biga.  Ah!  I hope it still tastes okay : /

Well, here it is.  Doubled.  With double the biga.  Gah!

OMG.  PS: My sisters defaced my bookmark.  DEFACED.  It's okay.  James Franco looks wonderful even with a drawn-on mustache.

Hey, look!  Benz caught me rolling the rolls in action.  Batty insists on being a part of the party.  Always.

And the finished rolls!  There are fifteen instead of eighteen, but what are you gonna do?  Eat sweet potatoes.  That's what I'm doing.

These sit for one to two hours, while everyone else parties and Benzie stays here to hang out with me.  Thanks, Benz.  <3

All blown up after an hour.

And, in the oven!  And after eighty billion hours (b/c they weren't done after twenty minutes, so my dad offered to take them out of the oven for me so Benz and I could leave):

These were okay.  I think the addition of the extra biga was a problem.  It came out too doughy.

Everyone helped me rate:

Me: 3/5
Benzie: 3.5/5
Chris: 3/5
Zainu: 2.5/5

Everyone said it was better with butter.  Also, this was hours after it came out of the oven.  Oh well, whatevs <3